Reflections by Nano

So I'm still alive...🙃 After the trauma and perpetual anxiety of the past three weeks, I'm a firm believer in "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I made it through my dad's funeral, which surprisingly came with much pain, although we weren't close at all. I guess loss is always traumatic in one way or another. Maybe I was grieving the lost opportunity of a father-daughter relationship, the memories we could've created but never did. And now that chance is gone forever. The tragedies of life... Like a seed dying and going into the ground in order to produce fruit, what my father failed to do in life, he did in death. Sadly, his passing away is what brought me and his family together. I've gained an amazing and loving family. There's so many of them, they're like a whole nation of abaThembu and I haven't even met half of them... After my bitter-sweet long weekend burying my dad, I got back to Durban feeling like a br...

Apparently “Mr M” (Mthembu) died this morning…If you haven’t read my last blog post, Mthembu was my biological father. We had a complicated relationship after finding out he was my real dad at 18 years’ old, after having grieved for my “fake” dad who had died a few years prior. (If you're confused, you're in good company). Ever feel like your life is a movie being watched by that invisible audience you hear in sitcoms? Heck, I need a drink… (screw you Bheki Cele and Coronavirus). Now I must write down my emotions and deal with them instead of drinking them away…lol I’ve been angry at Mthembu for years, for a lot of reasons…and now just like that, the object of my prolonged anger just vanished. And I’m left here, sitting with a pile of useless emotions, unanswered questions, words unsaid, wounds unhealed… Life is so weird, isn’t it? How you can hate someone and desperately want them to love you all at the same time. How we act nonchalant in front of them while you s...

So someone asked me to expand on my complicated dad experience that I made mention of in the previous post😅 Hehehe...I would need a whole day for that but here's a brief summary. Now I've come to believe that a sense of humour is a must for survival. We have to just laugh at ourselves sometimes, even our tragic mistakes, embracing them as part of the intricate human experience. Our parents, just like us, are only human. They make their share of mistakes, sometimes very grave ones at that, but we love and honour them nonetheless. My mother was my personal hero, the strongest and bravest woman I've ever known. She went above and beyond and sacrificed so much to give us a better life than she had had. She was beautiful and feisty and took no nonsense from anyone, especially the men in her life. There was never a dull moment with her. My beloved mother had a colourful interest in men, as do I apparently. So while dating a boy from her "hood", we'll call him...

Earlier today I had an intense and very emotional conversation with my sister. There are crucial family discussions that we should’ve had long ago or should be having on a regular basis for healing and closure, but we keep holding back. Quite frankly, there are too many black people who are emotionally and mentally scarred from generations of varied atrocities, yet we soldier on with gaping wounds (partly our fault and partly society) and we wonder why the black "man" or a lot of black families are in such dysfunction. But our conversation was a more personal one. I mentioned in the blog post before this one that our late mom died from HIV/AIDS related sickness. This information shocked my sister, Mbali, who was barely 9 when mom passed away. Here I was thinking we all just knew this but chose not to talk about it. Of course, mom had never sat us down and admitted it, but all the signs were there. I naturally assumed the whole family put two and two together…but was too ...

Say what you want about Christians being hypocrites and not practicing what they preach, or that they don’t make a relevant impact on society, but I beg to differ.  I’ve been blessed enough to see and experience a very different and most life-changing narrative. I’ve seen churches and Christians feed the poor, building schools and educating children, changing individuals’ lives, building healthy families and communities, and making a meaningful impact in the marketplace. I was just talking to a friend about this and ended up recalling two amazing people who touched my life in an incredibly profound way. Lusanda and Mahlatse Winston Mashua. As students at UKZN, Westville, we had the privilege of having them as our campus pastors for a few years. A young couple who “gave up their lives” to serve students (knowing full well that there’s no financial gain in campus ministry). Yet they tirelessly devoted their love, energy, wisdom and resources to sow into the future leaders t...

I don’t know what to make of Michael’s sudden return to my life after a whole year of silence following his wife finding out about our relationship. Is he back in my life to torture me or is the universe saying all hope is not lost, maybe we could still find a way to be a happy family, somehow; his wife, kids and me? Michael and I met through work about 4 years ago, we hit it off instantly. He was in town for a few days, attending a festival that I was working at. He had that je ne sais quoi that made me weak at the knees. He was funny, smart, charming, persistent and everything about us being together just felt right. That first night at the beach felt magical and went by too quickly, but at least we had a few more days to indulge ourselves before he left Durban to go back home, to his wife and child. I think we fell madly in love in those three days; totally unheard of in my world, and the first time had to be with a married man. Everything about him just fit, we had simil...

While all things are uncertain and subject to change, the Word of God remains unshaken and a solid source of comfort to those who receive it with an open heart. I woke up with this scripture in my heart, from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (the whole chapter is a great read that adds such profound perspective to the essence of life on earth). Verses 1 to 8 reads as follows: To everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.  A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.  A time to cry and a time to laugh 😉 A time to grieve and a time to dance.  A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to refrain.  A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.  A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.  A time to love an...