We Are Not Beyond Redemption

I don’t know what to make of Michael’s sudden return to my life after a whole year of silence following his wife finding out about our relationship. Is he back in my life to torture me or is the universe saying all hope is not lost, maybe we could still find a way to be a happy family, somehow; his wife, kids and me?

Michael and I met through work about 4 years ago, we hit it off instantly. He was in town for a few days, attending a festival that I was working at. He had that je ne sais quoi that made me weak at the knees. He was funny, smart, charming, persistent and everything about us being together just felt right. That first night at the beach felt magical and went by too quickly, but at least we had a few more days to indulge ourselves before he left Durban to go back home, to his wife and child.

I think we fell madly in love in those three days; totally unheard of in my world, and the first time had to be with a married man. Everything about him just fit, we had similar life experiences, we had a strong emotional and intellectual connection, and of course the physical connection was electric, but we decided not to have sex, we just spent our nights cuddling and talking in his or my hotel room. And I can definitely fall in love off a really good cuddle or hug…lol I love physical affection accompanied by the right words of course. Come to think of it, that was the first thing that drew me to him - his witty, funny and well-written texts.

You can imagine my devastation when the festival ended, and he had to return home. It was like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, but we promised to keep in touch. In the weeks that followed we emailed, called, texted and grew deeper in love. I was morally conflicted of course; I mean the guy had a wife! But he reassured me that he could love two people at the same time, and he wasn’t hurting his wife since he was planning on marrying me too (hand on face). We went back and forth on the polygamy subject which I was initially very strongly against, but with time and much reassurance of his love and commitment, I caved.

We agreed to let ourselves enjoy getting to know each other and falling in love before he breaks the "second wife news" to his wife. Now you can imagine the trickiness of dating a married man, you can’t just call him whenever you miss him, you have to wait for his call when he’s in a position to talk. So, emails and texts were safer for me. I don’t know what it was about this man that made me lose all my inhibitions and want to do anything to make him happy. I even genuinely became fond of his wife and son, whom he spoke of so warmly. I really believed he was a good man who meant no harm and just happened to find himself loving two awesome women.

Eventually, the whole thing became heavy for me to bear emotionally and I broke it off after a few months, blocking and deleting him from all social networks. We would try to stay away from each other, but we always ended up reconnecting somehow. It was a drug that we were both addicted to and couldn’t do anything to help each other. Although we never saw each other in person since we lived in different cities, our bond surpassed distance and time. I called things off again almost a year in, this time convicted by my beliefs and I stayed away from him for a good year after that. I had to be cruel and reject all his attempts to reach out to me, I had to be strong for the both of us. And it worked for some time.

Then the 2018 edition of our festival came…and he was attending. Nothing could have prepared me for the flood of emotions that gushed through me when I unexpectedly opened an email from him informing me of his imminent visit. I had become used to living in a world where he didn’t exist and was quite fine with that, or so I thought. The following weeks were filled with hysterical crying and constant yearning for him, his words, his embrace, his love. I tried to be strong and ice-cold towards him when we did meet again, but it didn’t last past two days. He was my kryptonite and he knew it.

I relented and we reignited our romance…carefree night walks under the starry sky, long and intimate conversations that bonded our souls even more. We were kindred spirits who didn’t even need to say much in order to connect. The pain from the reality of the situation gnawed at me constantly though. I couldn’t ignore the fact that he would return to his wife, son, and new daughter, and I’d be left alone, waiting for a day that might never come.

So that second visit had lots of bittersweet moments as he recalled unpromising conversations he’d had with his wife about polygamy. All my doubts returned. My "fairytale" now felt like an affair. I had become a mistress who was never going to be made legitimate by marriage. I was a homewrecker who was sowing discord between a man and his wife of ten years. I was revolted with myself for doing this to another woman. I hated myself for wanting Michael so much. Our souls were tied to each other so tightly and we couldn’t separate them without ripping apart pieces of ourselves.

And so, he went home…trouble began to brew in his marriage as he hopelessly tried to introduce his grand plan to his wife. We started fighting too as I accused him of being a coward and making me wait unnecessarily long. I deserved better than this! But in the painful words of Selena Gomez, “The heart wants what it wants”. I tried to walk away so many times but, “every time I tried to leave something kept pulling me back…” (I love speaking in lyrics/song) 😊

One unassuming night, I was in the kitchen making supper and got a text from an unknown number. I almost dropped dead when I read the first line… “Hi Nano, it’s Megan here, Michael’s wife…”

In the days that followed what ensued was a string of texts and a phone call that shook me. She was so hurt by our actions but still considered my feelings. Such an amazing woman. She apologized for the nasty things she’d said initially when she first found out about us. She forgave me after some time and after asking for the sordid details of our encounters (that was the worst; having to explain our romance and make-out sessions to the wife), but I indulged her for the sake of closure.

We agreed to cut ties, they were going to work on their marriage after she’d threatened to divorce him. Once again, I was left out in the cold. Alone. I blamed myself for everything. I went into a deep depression and started abusing substances in order to cope. I distracted myself with excessive partying and other extramural activities that are too unsavoury to recall. I had nothing to lose, my whole world was gone.

This is the period that preceded the breakdown that led to my hospitalization for depression. Constant anxiety and too many intense feelings can cause one to literally lose their mind. I shouldn’t have opened myself up to that situation to that extent. I should have never made a man the centre of my world. I knew better but chose to entertain my insecurities and selfishness. That experience reinforced all the self-esteem, rejection, and abandonment issues I’d had as a child and as a young woman.

And now, after a whole year of trying to heal, to forgive myself, and leave that chapter behind me, homeboy has the nerve to call me at work even! Common sense would say I should’ve hung up but here we are…having these hurtful conversations again that make me so freaking mad!

What is it about the human soul that just loves to reinforce pain in the desperate hope for a fantasy love that you know doesn’t exist? I’m so tired of wanting a man to love me and reach into that deep place he was never designed to reach. I know the real change will come from me realizing my self-worth and loving myself enough to stop accepting scraps for love. 

I’ve come a long way since January 2019. But I still have a lot of demons to fight and overcome; issues from my childhood that still give me nightmares and threaten to swallow me whole whenever I start to warm up to someone of the opposite sex; anger and resentment towards my father for abandoning my mother and I before I was born, and the list goes on. The rationale in my head was; if my own flesh and blood didn’t want me, why would anyone else? Now I know this is a blatant lie from the enemy, so I don’t have to live from that place of insecurity, suspicion, and neediness, but tell that to my heart.

How does one go about healing completely so as to stop messing up other people’s lives? How do you stop yearning for true companionship when God put that innate desire in us? How do you trust that what is yours will come when we live in an unfair world that doesn’t guarantee jack?

But through the pain I choose to smile. Despite the disappointment, I will still hope for better days. Regardless of our brokenness, I choose to have faith in mankind; we are not beyond redemption.