What Is Consent? | A Call for Accountability as We Mark 16 Days of Activism Against GBV

As South Africa approaches yet another 16 Days of Activism Against Gender-Based Violence, we find ourselves returning to the same heartbreaking truth: we are living in a country where women do not feel safe—not in public, not at work, not even in their own homes. And at the root of so much of this violence is a simple, yet tragically misunderstood concept: consent.

It has become painfully clear that too many men still do not understand what consent truly means. Whether it’s a teenage boy fumbling through a relationship with a girlfriend who is uncomfortable but afraid to say it… or a polished executive who “jokes,” flirts, and makes comments toward a junior employee while calling it harmless—the ignorance, entitlement, and carelessness are the same.

Because when hormones are raging or when power is at play, many men seem to lose the ability—or willingness—to recognise discomfort. To see fear. To hear silence. To acknowledge boundaries.

A woman coming over to hang out with you does not mean she wants to have sex with you. Her nervous laughter at your crude jokes does not mean she’s flirting back or inviting sexual advances. 

Your desire does not override her autonomy.

This is not complicated. 

This is not new. 

This is about respect, humanity, and accountability.

Let’s be clear about consent: 

• Just because I stopped saying no doesn’t mean I’m saying yes. Fear, shame, shock, or guilt can silence us. Sometimes the trauma response is not “fight” or “flight,” but freeze. 

• Some of us carry childhood trauma—abuse, GBV, emotional manipulation—that makes it difficult to say no to men. This shows up in our adult relationships, in our friendships, and even at work.

• Some of us were raised to be pleasers, conditioned to keep men happy—fathers, uncles, partners. That conditioning doesn’t disappear just because we grow up. Predators know this. They target women who were taught to submit, to accommodate, to be agreeable.

This is why consent conversations are not optional. They are critical.

Men, you need to talk to each other. And more importantly—you need to look inward.

It’s time to stop imagining perpetrators as “other men,” those with obvious anger issues or violent tendencies. 

The truth is uncomfortable: many perpetrators don’t realise they are perpetrators.

Society has conditioned men to feel entitled. To expect compliance. To assume that silence means permission. To believe their intentions matter more than a woman's experience.

Gender-based violence is not only physical. 

It is psychological, emotional, coercive, manipulative, subtle, and deeply nuanced. 

Men who lack self-awareness or emotional intelligence often miss the signs of their own harmful behaviour.

And when women point it out? 

They are dismissed. 

Called too sensitive. 

Accused of exaggerating. 

Labelled emotional, insecure, or dramatic.

This defensiveness is part of the problem.

We are calling for accountability—not excuses. 

Introspection—not denial. 

Humility—not egoism.

So here is the challenge: 

Be courageous enough to admit that you may have caused harm without realising it. 

Be honest enough to question your attitudes, jokes, comments, and assumptions. 

Be humble enough to apologise when you’ve crossed a boundary—even unintentionally. 

Be responsible enough to challenge the toxic beliefs you were raised with. 

Be human enough to treat every woman you encounter with dignity and respect. 

South Africa does not need more performative outrage. 

We need men who are brave enough to do the internal work. 

To unlearn, relearn, and evolve. 

To break the cycle of silence and entitlement.

GBV is not a women’s issue. It is a societal crisis rooted in male behaviour. And it will only end when men take accountability.

As we commemorate the 16 Days of Activism, let this not be another campaign filled with hashtags and slogans. 

Let it be a moment of reckoning. 

A turning point. 

A commitment to change—not in theory, but in daily interactions. 

Because women deserve to feel safe, heard, respected, valued, and free.