We MUST tell ourselves a different story…

Have you ever felt like you don’t know what the hell you’re doing?! And you’re just winging this life thing; winging work, winging relationships…? That’s me every day! I feel like LIFE is this riddle that everyone else has figured out, and I just can’t seem to crack it. 31 years later, and I’m still desperately trying to make ANY sense of it.

I’ve always struggled with insecurity and inferiority. I’ve always questioned if I actually “belonged” anywhere. Feeling like an outsider, second best, an inconvenience, a burden, not being enough…that’s been me most of my life. This scarcity mentality has become so entrenched in my mind, I will 9 times out of 10 self-sabotage when things are going well for me. Deep down inside, I believe I don’t deserve good things, and this inferiority complex has ravaged so many parts of my life.

I think a lot of this negative thinking emanated mostly from my shit-show of a “father experience”. If you haven’t read my blog posts about my Dads (yes, plural), you can catch up by reading “Kinks & Quirks” parts 1 and 2. Basically, I wasn’t abandoned by just one father, but two, so I grew up with intense insecurity and rejection issues. My rationale or “the story I’ve always told myself is” …if my own father/s didn’t love or want me, why would anyone else? So, my relationships are usually doomed before they even begin…lol I’m the poster girl for the “reject them before they reject you, hurt them before they hurt you” strategy. It’s actually heartbreaking, now that I think about it.

During my school years, I used perfection as a coping mechanism. Excelling in my academics, sports, good behaviour, and just being the best at anything I could, made up for the feelings of worthlessness, feeling unwanted and the lack of self-confidence. I mastered “performance” and being a “people pleaser”. I relished the attention I received, be it for my good grades, good looks, my great personality or sense of humour. I was loved by my peers and teachers, and received special awards, over and above the awards for academics. By the time I was in high school, the cracks in my flawless façade were starting to show. I started experiencing depression.

Losing two parents in high school (mom and first dad), while you’re navigating the overwhelming and confusing stage of teenagehood, can be a lot for anyone to process. I guess that’s when it started to show that something wasn’t quite right with my soul. I had anger and bitterness that I didn’t know how to deal with. The feelings of inferiority probably deepened. I had a fear of the future and became terribly pessimistic. I remember taking out a lot of these negative feelings on my then-best friend, Buhle Zulu, which still haunts me till today. I was hurt and broken, and I proceeded to hurt and break others around me. Believing that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t loved, chosen, or worthy, led me to take destructive paths and regrettable actions over and over again. And this would be the pattern my life would take for the next decade or so.

But now, I’m at a stage in my life where I’m trying to intentionally change these wrong thought patterns and replace them with the right thinking; thereby, changing my actions.

I’ve been reading this book, Woman Evolve, by Sarah Jakes Roberts, and she speaks of how there’s usually an unanswered question in each of us that is often the root cause of most of our failures or disappointing actions. For me, as mentioned above, this question is “Do I belong anywhere”? This question has tripped me up in my work, family, friendships, romantic relationships and church life, more times than I can recall. When we have these unanswered, life-changing questions, we tend to allow this broken thought pattern to lead us to destructive actions that can mess up our lives (and other people’s lives) detrimentally.

I’ve hurt so many people because of my own insecurities and desperate need to belong somewhere, anywhere, for that matter. I’ve said yes to so many wrong relationships and broken people’s hearts. I deceived myself into an affair with a married man because he promised to make me his second wife, and I would finally have a “family” and a “home”, I thought to myself. I’ve joined churches and “performed” to earn my keep and be liked, and then buckled and quit when given a position of leadership and responsibility. I’ve done the same with jobs. I even nicknamed myself a “runner”…lol because as much as I want “belonging”, the thought of it actually scares the hell out of me. And often, my identity and self-worth are tied to the “thing” (job, relationship, position, my performance), and I’m afraid of losing it and myself.

I, like many people I know, still have a lot of work to do in overcoming my fears and weaknesses, and in changing my wrong thought patterns. We really need to tell ourselves a different story. That debilitating question in all of us, needs a permanent and “higher-than-self” answer. I refuse to be a victim any longer. If I’m to make something of my life, I MUST own my story and rewrite it with confidence and courage.

I’m also a fan of Dr. Brene Brown’s work on the topics of Courage and Vulnerability and how the two are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact, to be courageous, you NEED to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not weakness, in fact, vulnerability is a strength; vulnerability takes courage.

In one of her books, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown outlines that the people who are most fulfilled and who dare to do great things with their lives are those who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable. Here are a few lessons I learnt from this book and her work in general:

·        We always think that there's not enough. This scarcity mentality limits the way we live. We hold back from celebrating others because of insecurity, or from helping others because we fear that we won’t have enough for ourselves. We are called to live in abundance. An abundance mentality says, “there’s enough for both you and me, there’s enough opportunities, there’s enough provision”. It says, “I am enough”. “I have everything I need to reach my destiny; I don’t have to pull someone else down so that I can succeed”.

·         Don't be afraid of vulnerability. As mentioned earlier, you can’t have courage without vulnerability. Being vulnerable lets others see the real you. Being vulnerable shows others that you are honest, that you ultimately have the same fears as they do, and it earns their support and trust. Vulnerability makes you a strong and trustworthy leader. That being said, be careful of sharing your story with people who haven’t earned the right to hear it. They won’t treasure it or treat it with the respect it deserves.

·         You can't go it alone. We all need companionship, whether in life or in business. We were never meant to be islands. You always get a greater return or reward when you partner with others, provided it’s the right people. You can’t exercise vulnerability alone; you need people who will hold you accountable, who will encourage you, and who will SEE YOU. We are hardwired for connection.

·         Your worth is not tied to your art, your product, or your financial success. Most of us who’ve struggled with insecurity or not fitting in will likely be familiar with the coping mechanism of “performance”. You perform to be liked, praised, wanted or to fit in. We all have an innate need to belong. What the performance syndrome does is tie your self-worth to what you have, what you can do, or the outcome. It can be material wealth, a certain talent or even physical beauty or a trait. When your identity is tied to that “thing”, you’ll always live with the fear of losing that thing or your status, and never truly be at peace or confident in your true self. You’ll most likely wear yourself out trying to maintain or keep up the façade.

All the above, and anything worth having, will require effort. Overcoming personal struggles and becoming a shame-resilient and courageous person takes work. But we must know that there is hope, there is an alternative to the lowly way we have lived; we can be free and overcome our past mistakes, shortcomings, and insecurities. None of us will ever “arrive”. It will be a lifelong journey of being self-aware, being open to correction, connection, and having awkward and uncomfortably honest conversations.

But it all begins with changing or renewing our minds. The mind is where the battle is won or lost, therefore, we MUST tell ourselves a different story.